Jen Hutchings, Ph.D, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

(Or How Not To Set a Goal You Won’t Stick To)

Pick one relationship. One.

Pick one thing. One.

So many people identify overwhelming, vague goals at the beginning of the year and unintentionally set themselves up for failure and frustration.

I want to challenge you to start the new year with the smallest goal possible. Think of one relationship in your life that is important to you – whether it’s going well or is challenging at times - friend, a family member, a partner, a child, a neighbor.

Next, focus on ONE SMALL POSITIVE behavior that you could increase.

Here are some examples to get you thinking:

I will give my child one sentence of encouragement each day.

I will resist the urge to criticize my partner and say something positive instead.

I will text my friend something positive every day.

I will do one task a day that will help my partner lighten their load.

Do this new behavior for one month. 30 days. Write your goal down and post it somewhere – your bathroom mirror, your car, an alert on your phone. Some people find it helpful to record their progress on a calendar or on their phone. Give yourself stickers – whatever it takes to continue your positive behaviors.

After 30 days, evaluate how you did. We know that it often takes many weeks of repetitive behavior to develop a new habit and make changes to your brain. If you did well, be proud of the changes you made and then add something else. If not, take a close look at your goal. What was standing in the way? What made this difficult to accomplish? What would make it more attainable? Was your goal too big?

Why is this important? First, as a marriage and family therapist, I know that one change in a system (relationship) can cause positive changes in the whole relationship. Second, this has the potential to cause a snowball effect and build momentum – the more you do and get a positive response, the more you will want to continue.

Strong relationships take a tremendous amount of work, but start with one step at a time.

I love this video clip.  The concept is so clear and simple, although sometimes difficult to follow consistently in day-to-day life.

Summary:  In order to improve your relationships, the recommended ratio is five positive behaviors for every one negative behavior.  So for every critical word or 'helpful suggestion' we make to our partners, we need to balance with five positive behaviors. 5 to 1.

What are positive behaviors?  Kind words, compliments, supportive comments, words of encouragement, a hug, or a touch.  Specific actions such as bringing home a special inexpensive gift that reminds you of your partner, leaving a thoughtful note, and spending time together.  Helpful behaviors such as doing the dishes or picking up around the house when your partner is stressed.  Doing favors without grumbling.

Although the research is based on couples, I would also argue that the same formula works for other relationships as well: friendships, parent-child, and employer-employee relationships.

What is fascinating about this recipe for relationship success is that it is backed by years of research.  Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist who has meticulously studied hundreds of couples in his 'love lab' in Seattle.  He is on faculty at the University of Washington and created The Relationship Research Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.  Through his research, he can predict - with approximately 90% accuracy - whether a marriage will last or end in divorce within six years.

If you would like to read more about their findings for couples in a user-friendly way, read "Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship" (2007), by Gottman, Scwartz, and Declaire.

I watched the new NBC show, The Marriage Ref, last night for the first time.  The show, created by Jerry Seinfeld, focus on the smaller, our-dog-sleeps-in- the-bed, squabbles between husbands and wives.  We see a quick clip of the cute couple and their issue.  The panel consists, of three celebrities, who give their opinions of the issue.  The ‘ref’ is a comedian, Tom Papa, who ultimately makes the call on who is right and who is wrong, in his comedic opinion.  At the end of the show, the couple is rewarded with a generous parting gift and their 15-minutes of fame.

Is there value, other than entertainment, for marriages in our country?  The show is not going to help the couples on it.  In fact, it has the possibility to minimize some of the participants’ true feelings.  The show is not supposed to be couple therapy.  I am intrigued by the possibility of creating change in couples watching the show.  How?

You know the feeling that you have when you’re having a hilarious conversation with couple friends as they describe their marriage?  These types of interactions take us outside of our own homes and validate that we all have things that annoy us or frustrate us with our partners.  Some of these have the potential for change, some are perpetual issues.  By watching others, we either think ‘see, other people have similar issues and can laugh at them’ or ‘thank goodness, we don’t have to deal with THAT’.

It’s ok that we get frustrated with our partners.  We are different people.  We live with them 24 hours a day, for 50+ years, and they’re human.  How we treat them in spite of our frustrations predicts martial health.

One of the main things I see with couples is their inability to laugh at these smaller issues and put things in perspective.  The little things build up into serious issues and it becomes more and more difficult to place their relationship first, no matter what else gets in the way.

Laughing is good.  Laughing with your partner is better.  Laughing about yourselves is the best.

Premarital Counseling?  Check.

Ceremony location?  Check.  Photographer?  Check.  Flowers?  Check.  A plan for your marriage?  Silence.  If you were starting a business, you would have a business plan.  If you were going on a trip, you would plan your itinerary.  You enter your marriage expecting it to be one of the longest commitments of your life.  Most couple, do not prepare for this change.  In fact, most couples underestimate the adjustment that they will encounter long after they have sent their thank-you notes and ordered their wedding albums.

How do you like to be cared for?  How does your partner?  What will you do with your finances?  What are your expectations about household roles?  What are your personality differences?  How will you handle stress and conflict as a couple?  How does your upbringing as well as your current family relationships affect your marriage?  Were you in a prior long-term relationship? If so, what are your triggers?  What will your family look like?  What if it doesn’t go as planned?

Prevention is the key.  You have a 31% chance of decreasing our national divorce statistics (around 50%) and increasing your overall marital satisfaction if you participate in a structured premarital counseling program*.  The program takes a minimal amount of time and is relatively inexpensive compared to the tens of thousands that the average couple spends on their wedding day - $35,000 in fact! (Brides-To-Be)

A lot of engaged couples are nervous about stirring up any issues at this point in their relationship.  But I would rather have you enter your marriage with eyes wide open and prepare for potential issues before they get ten times worse and often lead to other, more serious problems in marriages. 

I can lead you through a structured premarital program that lasts about 6-8 sessions.  I am certified as a PREPARE/ENRICH certified facilitator and use an online customized couple assessment that I am excited about.  So excited that next Sunday I will be hanging out with hundreds of brides and their mothers at a bridal show, telling them the same thing.  I just hope they will take a second to peel their eyes away from the dress and consider preparing for their marriage.

*Stanley, Scott M., Amato, Paul R., Johnson, Christine A., Markman, Howard J. (2006).  Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 117-126.