Jen Hutchings, Ph.D, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

I watched the new NBC show, The Marriage Ref, last night for the first time.  The show, created by Jerry Seinfeld, focus on the smaller, our-dog-sleeps-in- the-bed, squabbles between husbands and wives.  We see a quick clip of the cute couple and their issue.  The panel consists, of three celebrities, who give their opinions of the issue.  The ‘ref’ is a comedian, Tom Papa, who ultimately makes the call on who is right and who is wrong, in his comedic opinion.  At the end of the show, the couple is rewarded with a generous parting gift and their 15-minutes of fame.

Is there value, other than entertainment, for marriages in our country?  The show is not going to help the couples on it.  In fact, it has the possibility to minimize some of the participants’ true feelings.  The show is not supposed to be couple therapy.  I am intrigued by the possibility of creating change in couples watching the show.  How?

You know the feeling that you have when you’re having a hilarious conversation with couple friends as they describe their marriage?  These types of interactions take us outside of our own homes and validate that we all have things that annoy us or frustrate us with our partners.  Some of these have the potential for change, some are perpetual issues.  By watching others, we either think ‘see, other people have similar issues and can laugh at them’ or ‘thank goodness, we don’t have to deal with THAT’.

It’s ok that we get frustrated with our partners.  We are different people.  We live with them 24 hours a day, for 50+ years, and they’re human.  How we treat them in spite of our frustrations predicts martial health.

One of the main things I see with couples is their inability to laugh at these smaller issues and put things in perspective.  The little things build up into serious issues and it becomes more and more difficult to place their relationship first, no matter what else gets in the way.

Laughing is good.  Laughing with your partner is better.  Laughing about yourselves is the best.

Premarital Counseling?  Check.

Ceremony location?  Check.  Photographer?  Check.  Flowers?  Check.  A plan for your marriage?  Silence.  If you were starting a business, you would have a business plan.  If you were going on a trip, you would plan your itinerary.  You enter your marriage expecting it to be one of the longest commitments of your life.  Most couple, do not prepare for this change.  In fact, most couples underestimate the adjustment that they will encounter long after they have sent their thank-you notes and ordered their wedding albums.

How do you like to be cared for?  How does your partner?  What will you do with your finances?  What are your expectations about household roles?  What are your personality differences?  How will you handle stress and conflict as a couple?  How does your upbringing as well as your current family relationships affect your marriage?  Were you in a prior long-term relationship? If so, what are your triggers?  What will your family look like?  What if it doesn’t go as planned?

Prevention is the key.  You have a 31% chance of decreasing our national divorce statistics (around 50%) and increasing your overall marital satisfaction if you participate in a structured premarital counseling program*.  The program takes a minimal amount of time and is relatively inexpensive compared to the tens of thousands that the average couple spends on their wedding day - $35,000 in fact! (Brides-To-Be)

A lot of engaged couples are nervous about stirring up any issues at this point in their relationship.  But I would rather have you enter your marriage with eyes wide open and prepare for potential issues before they get ten times worse and often lead to other, more serious problems in marriages. 

I can lead you through a structured premarital program that lasts about 6-8 sessions.  I am certified as a PREPARE/ENRICH certified facilitator and use an online customized couple assessment that I am excited about.  So excited that next Sunday I will be hanging out with hundreds of brides and their mothers at a bridal show, telling them the same thing.  I just hope they will take a second to peel their eyes away from the dress and consider preparing for their marriage.

*Stanley, Scott M., Amato, Paul R., Johnson, Christine A., Markman, Howard J. (2006).  Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 117-126.

As I'm writing my first blog entry, I think back to the hundreds of clients and their families I have worked with over the past 17 years.  I think about my motivation to continue in this work, which is not always easy.  Many people ask me how I can do what I do every day.  My response comes easy, without any thought.  I have one of the best jobs in the world.  I get to work with people, often at their lowest, and help them make changes in their lives.  To help encourage them to move from painful to comfortable is enough to fuel my motivation.  To see changes in relationships that were once tossed aside fills my heart.  To see women whose spirits are crushed, be able to slowly repair those fragile pieces and build a new life, is inspiring.  I also know that there times to wait....until they are ready for change.  To help them plant the seeds of hope and promise in themselves and their relationships...and wait..and wait...and wait...until the seeds sprout.  Sprout seeds, sprout.

What is Individual Therapy?

Therapy is a process in which you work with a therapist to ‘unstick’ some of the problematic areas in your life.  In other words, often there are times in our life when we have difficulty finding solutions to our problems when things feels out of  control.

The therapist acts as a coach—you are responsible to make the changes.  The therapist will help you sort out some of your thoughts, and in some cases, challenge some of the thoughts that may be getting in the way of your positive, healthy changes.  When working with relationships, a therapist can assist with communication, conflict skills, and trust in a safe, objective environment.

What is Couples Therapy?

Also called marriage therapy, this is relational therapy with two people in an intimate relationship who are struggling with their connection to each other.  Often, the couple is trying to make a decision whether to work on the relationship or to part ways.  It is not uncommon for this decision to take several sessions.  Once the decision to try to work on the relationship is made, the couple works with the therapist to identify goals and implement specific strategies for change.

What is Family Therapy?

Family therapy is conducted with at least two members of a family who are struggling with relationship problems.  This could be a parent and child, siblings, roommates, business colleagues, or an entire family.  Similar to couples therapy, the family system works with the therapist to identify goals and implement specific strategies for change.

Note:  It is not uncommon for therapy to involve several combinations of therapy to resolve certain issues. For example, one week doing individual therapy, the next week doing couple therapy.  Sometimes this is done with the same therapist—at other times it may be helpful to involve another therapist.