I watched the new NBC show, The Marriage Ref, last night for the first time. The show, created by Jerry Seinfeld, focus on the smaller, our-dog-sleeps-in- the-bed, squabbles between husbands and wives. We see a quick clip of the cute couple and their issue. The panel consists, of three celebrities, who give their opinions of the issue. The ‘ref’ is a comedian, Tom Papa, who ultimately makes the call on who is right and who is wrong, in his comedic opinion. At the end of the show, the couple is rewarded with a generous parting gift and their 15-minutes of fame.
Is there value, other than entertainment, for marriages in our country? The show is not going to help the couples on it. In fact, it has the possibility to minimize some of the participants’ true feelings. The show is not supposed to be couple therapy. I am intrigued by the possibility of creating change in couples watching the show. How?
You know the feeling that you have when you’re having a hilarious conversation with couple friends as they describe their marriage? These types of interactions take us outside of our own homes and validate that we all have things that annoy us or frustrate us with our partners. Some of these have the potential for change, some are perpetual issues. By watching others, we either think ‘see, other people have similar issues and can laugh at them’ or ‘thank goodness, we don’t have to deal with THAT’.
It’s ok that we get frustrated with our partners. We are different people. We live with them 24 hours a day, for 50+ years, and they’re human. How we treat them in spite of our frustrations predicts martial health.
One of the main things I see with couples is their inability to laugh at these smaller issues and put things in perspective. The little things build up into serious issues and it becomes more and more difficult to place their relationship first, no matter what else gets in the way.
Laughing is good. Laughing with your partner is better. Laughing about yourselves is the best.
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Premarital Counseling Makes a Difference |
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Premarital Counseling? Check.
Ceremony location? Check. Photographer? Check. Flowers? Check. A plan for your marriage? Silence. If you were starting a business, you would have a business plan. If you were going on a trip, you would plan your itinerary. You enter your marriage expecting it to be one of the longest commitments of your life. Most couple, do not prepare for this change. In fact, most couples underestimate the adjustment that they will encounter long after they have sent their thank-you notes and ordered their wedding albums.
How do you like to be cared for? How does your partner? What will you do with your finances? What are your expectations about household roles? What are your personality differences? How will you handle stress and conflict as a couple? How does your upbringing as well as your current family relationships affect your marriage? Were you in a prior long-term relationship? If so, what are your triggers? What will your family look like? What if it doesn’t go as planned?
Prevention is the key. You have a 31% chance of decreasing our national divorce statistics (around 50%) and increasing your overall marital satisfaction if you participate in a structured premarital counseling program*. The program takes a minimal amount of time and is relatively inexpensive compared to the tens of thousands that the average couple spends on their wedding day - $35,000 in fact! (Brides-To-Be)
A lot of engaged couples are nervous about stirring up any issues at this point in their relationship. But I would rather have you enter your marriage with eyes wide open and prepare for potential issues before they get ten times worse and often lead to other, more serious problems in marriages.
I can lead you through a structured premarital program that lasts about 6-8 sessions. I am certified as a PREPARE/ENRICH certified facilitator and use an online customized couple assessment that I am excited about. So excited that next Sunday I will be hanging out with hundreds of brides and their mothers at a bridal show, telling them the same thing. I just hope they will take a second to peel their eyes away from the dress and consider preparing for their marriage.
*Stanley, Scott M., Amato, Paul R., Johnson, Christine A., Markman, Howard J. (2006). Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 117-126.
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As I'm writing my first blog entry, I think back to the hundreds of clients and their families I have worked with over the past 17 years. I think about my motivation to continue in this work, which is not always easy. Many people ask me how I can do what I do every day. My response comes easy, without any thought. I have one of the best jobs in the world. I get to work with people, often at their lowest, and help them make changes in their lives. To help encourage them to move from painful to comfortable is enough to fuel my motivation. To see changes in relationships that were once tossed aside fills my heart. To see women whose spirits are crushed, be able to slowly repair those fragile pieces and build a new life, is inspiring. I also know that there times to wait....until they are ready for change. To help them plant the seeds of hope and promise in themselves and their relationships...and wait..and wait...and wait...until the seeds sprout. Sprout seeds, sprout.
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How Do I Know When To Ask for Help? |
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I think the fact that you’re asking the question and considering contacting a therapist means that you could benefit from therapy.
Typically, clients make that first call and schedule their first appointment when they felt that things were starting to feel out of control and affecting areas in their life such as relationships, jobs, health, or mood. They often realize that what they are trying on their own is not working and that they could benefit from an outside perspective to help them identify and make changes.
Some symptoms may include feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, depressed, sad, out of control, irritable, and angry. Things that didn’t bother you before now make your skin crawl. You make find yourself overreacting at situations or feeling extra sensitive. You fly off the handle at those close to you – or even strangers. You find it hard to get motivated about your daily life. School, work, hobbies, and even relationships feel like a burden at times.
Often, people will experience physical symptoms, such as headaches, gastrointestinal issues, fatigue, and pain that a doctor cannot find a cause for. They often visit several doctors and undergo numerous tests, with no findings that help explain their symptoms.
Many people come in for help with relationships that seem to be spiraling out of control. Symptoms of relationships that are out of control include lack of communication and connection, increased conflict, and even affairs and abuse.
Others report that they’re not sure what is wrong, but they just know something is not right.
It is a huge step to ask for help. Many people usually think about therapy and wait until things get really bad before making a call. There many reasons for this – as far as the field of mental health has come in our society, there is still a stigma about therapy - a message that we should be able to handle all of our problems on our own. Similar to physical health, there are times when an outside perspective with expertise and experience can help you move to a new place faster than on your own. So many times, people wait until things get too bad to fix.
I know how difficult it can be to ask for help. I am constantly amazed by those who have the courage to ask for help. I will work my hardest to instill hope as well as specific, creative strategies for change.
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