Jen Hutchings, Ph.D, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

I watched the new NBC show, The Marriage Ref, last night for the first time.  The show, created by Jerry Seinfeld, focus on the smaller, our-dog-sleeps-in- the-bed, squabbles between husbands and wives.  We see a quick clip of the cute couple and their issue.  The panel consists, of three celebrities, who give their opinions of the issue.  The ‘ref’ is a comedian, Tom Papa, who ultimately makes the call on who is right and who is wrong, in his comedic opinion.  At the end of the show, the couple is rewarded with a generous parting gift and their 15-minutes of fame.

Is there value, other than entertainment, for marriages in our country?  The show is not going to help the couples on it.  In fact, it has the possibility to minimize some of the participants’ true feelings.  The show is not supposed to be couple therapy.  I am intrigued by the possibility of creating change in couples watching the show.  How?

You know the feeling that you have when you’re having a hilarious conversation with couple friends as they describe their marriage?  These types of interactions take us outside of our own homes and validate that we all have things that annoy us or frustrate us with our partners.  Some of these have the potential for change, some are perpetual issues.  By watching others, we either think ‘see, other people have similar issues and can laugh at them’ or ‘thank goodness, we don’t have to deal with THAT’.

It’s ok that we get frustrated with our partners.  We are different people.  We live with them 24 hours a day, for 50+ years, and they’re human.  How we treat them in spite of our frustrations predicts martial health.

One of the main things I see with couples is their inability to laugh at these smaller issues and put things in perspective.  The little things build up into serious issues and it becomes more and more difficult to place their relationship first, no matter what else gets in the way.

Laughing is good.  Laughing with your partner is better.  Laughing about yourselves is the best.