I love this video clip. The concept is so clear and simple, although sometimes difficult to follow consistently in day-to-day life.
Summary: In order to improve your relationships, the recommended ratio is five positive behaviors for every one negative behavior. So for every critical word or 'helpful suggestion' we make to our partners, we need to balance with five positive behaviors. 5 to 1.
What are positive behaviors? Kind words, compliments, supportive comments, words of encouragement, a hug, or a touch. Specific actions such as bringing home a special inexpensive gift that reminds you of your partner, leaving a thoughtful note, and spending time together. Helpful behaviors such as doing the dishes or picking up around the house when your partner is stressed. Doing favors without grumbling.
Although the research is based on couples, I would also argue that the same formula works for other relationships as well: friendships, parent-child, and employer-employee relationships.
What is fascinating about this recipe for relationship success is that it is backed by years of research. Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist who has meticulously studied hundreds of couples in his 'love lab' in Seattle. He is on faculty at the University of Washington and created The Relationship Research Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Through his research, he can predict - with approximately 90% accuracy - whether a marriage will last or end in divorce within six years.
If you would like to read more about their findings for couples in a user-friendly way, read "Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship" (2007), by Gottman, Scwartz, and Declaire.
Written on Thursday, 03 June 2010 00:58 by Jen Hutchings